i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
