I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
