Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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