so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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