she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
