my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
