my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
