I wish I only lived at night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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