Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
