I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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