The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
