OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
