not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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