It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize