there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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