I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
should my penis look like a turkey
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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