Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
