Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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