apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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