dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
