Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
