oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think i have herpe
just one?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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