My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize