just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
