My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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