I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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