I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
