Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
