you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
