Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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