You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
