I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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