the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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