so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
