i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
