Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize