all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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