When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
