got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
