I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
