My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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