Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The power of my boobs compel you
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
