I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How external is "for external use only"?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
