if you like me you must not know who I am
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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