I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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