I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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