Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
