Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
