I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
