Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She tied me up with her honor cords...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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