the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize