I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
