who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
