we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
