I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
