you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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