you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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