stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize