Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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